rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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