She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
