Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
