dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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