She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
