matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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