Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize