At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Randomize