i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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