Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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