Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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