everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
