No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
