I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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