Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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