my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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