Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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