The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
