Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
