I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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