there's paper in my vomit.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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