I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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