I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I supernannyed him into submission
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