Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
