Ambien. No doubt about it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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