Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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