he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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