I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
