she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
