i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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