I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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