shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
