Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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