dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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