Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
