yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
