your parents love me but you hate me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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