I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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