no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
