You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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