sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
