I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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