walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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