this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
They have beer where we have blood.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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