I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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