Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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