he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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