I wish I could punch you in the face.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
