I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize