Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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