guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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