I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
