You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
