Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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