Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
