This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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